Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway...

So here we are at essentially the middle of week three of my new programme but it’s only really my second week as last week was a asthma filled nightmare of a write-off!

 

Anyway, I digress. This week I want to talk about courage. 

 

Now, I am by nature frightened of my own shadow. Years of bullying at school can do that to a person. And whilst I am continually striving to become a stronger, more decisive person, there are times when I can give the Cowardly Lion a run for his money!

Take this week for example: I returned to the gym last night after a six day hiatus and I had to talk myself into walking through that door. I had no justification for my fear other than barriers I was creating in my head, but I was afraid nevertheless. What will people think of me? Is everyone going to stare at the ‘big bird’ on the treadmill? Will someone make fun of me? All of which are groundless, but nonetheless real, fears.

 

After a good ten minutes in the car park, I decided that no good was going to come of sitting there thinking about ‘what if’s’ – the only way to find out the answers was to go on in and see.  So that’s what I did.

 

As it was, I found the session very hard. The gym was full of very fit people, all warming us for their ‘Insanity’ class. But as much as my vanity makes me believe that they were secretly jeering me and my flab, I put my head down and got on with my circuits.

 

Towards the end of my session, there was just myself and an older gentleman left in the suite and he approached me. He told me, “You did well tonight”. I must have looked agog as he continued “You have great control on the machines, you know your breathing and you know what you are doing. Don’t be put off by what other people may or may not think”. You could’ve knocked me down with a feather. My fears and anxiety were clearly that obvious to someone who cared enough to reassure me and that meant an awful lot.

 

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that we all get scared sometimes, and that’s OK.  What is not OK is to allow those fears to disable you from doing something that you really want to do.  Sometimes you don’t know what’ll happen until you try…

New Year, New You... What's wrong with the old one?

Well, here we are on 9th January 2016 and I still haven't written the first blog of the year that I faithfully promised to do at the start of the year. So here goes - and apologies, it's going to be a it of a long one...

I started something a couple of years ago, and I've suck with it this year. Rather than making straightforward resolutions, I instead chose to 'theme' my years. Let me explain...

In 2014, I decided to make it my year of 'yes'. I figured that if I said 'yes' more than 'no', more nice things may happen. As it turned out, they did. I took part in two burlesque courses (and graduated), I joined the Red Hat Society (as a Pink hatter), I took part in two photo-shoots and I started my own business. Not bad for simply saying 'yes' a bit more.

Then in 2015, the theme was 'why not?'. Applying the same principle as above, I said, 'why not?' a bit more. This meant wearing a bikini (for the first time since I was four years old), taking part in the Race For Life despite being the largest lady there and entering the plus size pageant 'Miss British Beauty Curve'. If I'd not taken the 'to hell with it, why not?@ approach - I would never have done these things.

So I have decided that 2016 is going to be my year of 'healthy'. I'm not after the whole 'new year, new you' thing because that it trite rubbish. There's nothing wrong with the old me; I'd just like to improve it a little. This means that I will be making positive, healthy changes to my lifestyle but also a few more healthy changes in terms of positive thoughts towards myself too. For example, I am a plus size girl, and likely to always be so. Whilst I am, as my friend and fellow Miss British Beauty Curve finalist, Tracey puts it, 'fat and fierce' that does not mean that I have to be unhealthy about it.

Since the pageant in August, I had, I must confess rather let myself go in terms of regime. Unfortunately I had taken the approach that if it was not nailed down, I'd eat it and to hell with exercise! Consequently, I gained weight and become even more unfit than I was before. With Christmas into the mix too, and absolutely no will-power at all, you can imagine my predicament.


Then on Boxing Day, I made a decision; whilst I like my junk food and the odd pint, I'd like to be healthier and I'd like to regain some of the courage and pride I had in myself last year. My friend Tracey, whom I mentioned above, has been my inspiration. Her fantastic blog http://Bigbeautifulhealthywoman.wordpress.com is absolutely the steer

I needed in the right direction and so with a pint of Rattler Pear in one hand and a box of Salt and Vinegar Pringles in the other, I started trawling the internet for local gyms and classes to help me move forward, inspired my Tracey. I found 'Gravity' in Tewkesbury, run by John Cooper and Suzanne Meaden, at my old senior school, Tewkesbury School. I emailed them straight away explaining my predicament - size 26, hate exercise, thought of the gym filling me with dread, fear of being sweaty in public, etc... - and awaited their response.

Well, long story short, John kindly contacted me just before new year and I was up at the fitness centre on 2nd January, talking through my fears and goals. It was strangely cathartic going back to my old school sports centre. I detested sports and particularly the obnoxious women who taught the sport at our senior school. I was always tall, chunky and completely uninspired. It took an immense amount of courage to walk in there and I'm so proud of myself for doing it. I'm even prouder that I signed up to the gym on the Monday and this week I have completed my gym induction and attended both the Yoga Balance and Pilates class. More to follow about my classes and my progress in the coming weeks

In the meantime, I think I'd best sign off for the time being, but suffice to say that this is the first step in a very long road and I hope you'll stick with me and see where it leads...

Recommendation for the week: If you are not already a Lane Bryant shopper, I really urge you to take a look at their 'Livi' sportwear collection, and in particular, this weeks saviour - the Livi Molded underwire sports bra (item #127197) http://www.lanebryant.com/plus-size-active/sports-bras/20233c20242/index.cat. Available up to an H cup, this little beauty has been a God-send this week and has kept the girls firmly where they needed to be!