New Year's Resolutions - it doesn't have to be hell!

 

Every New Year, like around 14.5 million people in the UK (according to thinkmoney.co.uk), I make at least one resolution. Usually it’s along the lines of ‘I will look after myself more’, or ‘I will be kinder to myself’, or ‘I will eat better’, or (last years) ‘I will go to the gym twice a week and Pilates once a week’.

Like everyone else, I start with the best of intentions: I buy all the necessary kit, trainers and outfits and then I write my blog telling everyone how I’m going to achieve this (I do this in a vague hope that making myself enough guilt to that I stick to said resolution).

Obligatory sweaty gym selfie

Unfortunately this is where the similarity with four out of five people ends.  The reason being is that I am the one out five people in the UK that has a mental health issue, making my reaction to resolution failure different.

Most folks will find a ‘reason’ for not having stuck to their resolution; they accept this, hang up their trainers and forget their pledge to run a marathon.  Me? No such luck!

Suffering from both depression and anxiety, I get torn in two different directions. I feel like my very own ‘Stretch Armstrong’ doll in my head!

Take 2016 for example: I joined the gym to improve my

strength and get a bit fitter. I’d stuck at it quite well until about March, when I had my first ‘waiver’. I felt down (depression) so I didn’t want to do anything – let alone roll up to the gym after a busy working day. Then I felt nervous guilt (anxiety) for not going, which in turn made me even more low (depression) for letting myself and my ‘goal’ down. This in turn led to more guilt (anxiety), that I was letting down the people who had encouraged me when I set myself the resolution. And so the cycle continued… until I felt that I’d failed. ‘You couldn’t even keep a simple resolution, Charlotte’. It’s not perfect and so I’m useless!

 

But that’s just it: I’ve realised – finally, after 18 years - I’m not useless. I just have a different approach to making a resolution. Sometimes ‘perfect’ doesn’t have to be the goal; sometime ‘just enough’ is good enough.

My needs are as big as Charlie Brown's

It’s not easy, but of the 14.5 million people that make resolutions, at least 2.9 million of them are likely to have some form of mental health issue. That means that I’m not alone. There are lots of us out there who have this vicious cycle in our heads.

 

Myself and the Miss British Beauty Curve girls in Regents Park

Upshot: Did I join the gym? Yes. Did I go more than three times a month? Yes. Did I take part in the British Heart Foundation Regents Park Run? Yes. Therefore, was I doing more than I was in 2015? Answer: Yes.

 

Ergo: I achieved ‘just enough’ of my resolution to make a difference. Sure it’s not ‘perfect’, but it’s a change and in the end, that’s good enough.

 

 

Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway...

So here we are at essentially the middle of week three of my new programme but it’s only really my second week as last week was a asthma filled nightmare of a write-off!

 

Anyway, I digress. This week I want to talk about courage. 

 

Now, I am by nature frightened of my own shadow. Years of bullying at school can do that to a person. And whilst I am continually striving to become a stronger, more decisive person, there are times when I can give the Cowardly Lion a run for his money!

Take this week for example: I returned to the gym last night after a six day hiatus and I had to talk myself into walking through that door. I had no justification for my fear other than barriers I was creating in my head, but I was afraid nevertheless. What will people think of me? Is everyone going to stare at the ‘big bird’ on the treadmill? Will someone make fun of me? All of which are groundless, but nonetheless real, fears.

 

After a good ten minutes in the car park, I decided that no good was going to come of sitting there thinking about ‘what if’s’ – the only way to find out the answers was to go on in and see.  So that’s what I did.

 

As it was, I found the session very hard. The gym was full of very fit people, all warming us for their ‘Insanity’ class. But as much as my vanity makes me believe that they were secretly jeering me and my flab, I put my head down and got on with my circuits.

 

Towards the end of my session, there was just myself and an older gentleman left in the suite and he approached me. He told me, “You did well tonight”. I must have looked agog as he continued “You have great control on the machines, you know your breathing and you know what you are doing. Don’t be put off by what other people may or may not think”. You could’ve knocked me down with a feather. My fears and anxiety were clearly that obvious to someone who cared enough to reassure me and that meant an awful lot.

 

I guess what I’m trying to get at is that we all get scared sometimes, and that’s OK.  What is not OK is to allow those fears to disable you from doing something that you really want to do.  Sometimes you don’t know what’ll happen until you try…